I’m a verbal processor, so here goes. Those of you who know me know that small babies bring out the worst in me. It’s not their fault- at all- it is just a great conduit for the Lord to reveal my sin nature…over and over again. The funny {not funny at all} thing about it is that it has taken me until Lizzie to recognize it. With Rebekah, wonderful as she was, I found myself praying over and over that the Lord would change her! I knew I was doing everything right, reading the right books, sacrificing my schedule to nap her at home, etc etc, so it must be her. With Luke, I found myself praying that the Lord would change him! In all fairness, he was a challenging baby, but I still found myself resenting him for the chaos brought into my life, as if moving to Scotland was 4-month-old Luke’s doing. With Lizzie {3 and half years later}, I found myself praying the Lord would change me. Finally, right?! Seriously, it occurred to me the other day that I finally was praying the right way- for personal sanctification instead of better, more ideal circumstances. I will admit my circumstances are actually really good, but I am an over-achiever, and thus typically push my kids and myself way too hard too quickly. I saw myself doing this with Lizzie a few weeks ago. Now that she’s getting a little older and slightly less sleep wherever, whenever-ish, I was pushing her too hard to conform to what I wanted- good, long naps that worked in with dropping off and picking up the big kids. As my old nemeses {comparison, perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive tendencies} crept in, I am relieved to say that the Lord quickened His Spirit in me before my dark thoughts took too much of a hold.
Please know, I’m not saying this to brag or look spiritual or godly, but to truly reflect God’s goodness. He is so faithful to us, and I am humbled because it is His grace {NOT my own piety} that keeps me going. There are two main ways I am seeing God’s faithfulness right now. The first is my thought life. My mind can rum rampant- while I sit alone, nursing, I usually start to obsess about stupid stuff. I compare myself and my babies to others, and usually unfavorably. I walk away feeling defeated and like a failure. Because of the Lord’s prompting, I have asked Him to help me take my thoughts captive to Christ. I try to confess my fears and any sin issues as quickly as I recognize them and ask the Lord to help me dwell on Him and all that is true and right and good. One of my main prayers, I am somewhat embarrassed to admit, is that I would love Lizzie more than myself and that that love would be reflected in my attitude, my words, and my actions. This means letting go of preconceived ideas or book schedules or what seems logical to me. This has been awesome! Through this process {when I am nursing well before I thought I would be because of a short nap or even in the middle of the night when I wish I was sleeping}, I feel the Lord teaching me to die to self and to act for someone else.
Another huge way I see the Lord working in me is through my husband. I kid you not, after 10+ years of marriage, I am just now really, really appreciating Josh for what he gives me. I used to jokingly resent his calmness, his logic, his even-keeled demeanor and advice. Now I cling to it! We are reading Tim Keller’s book on marriage, and good ol’ TK talks about why married people are more satisfied/happy with life in general- one of the reasons is that they have a support system that helps them deal with grief, change, and stress more healthily. I could not agree more. Whereas with the other 2 kids, I looked to books, other moms, and my own gut instincts for courses of action, I find myself asking the Lord for wisdom and insight first and then Josh for advice {and, yes, trusted friends still!}. Josh has been wonderful in supporting my role as mother, but also in offering ideas I hadn’t necessarily thought of. Before I would just vent about what was vexing me and kind of ignore what he said {sorry, honey}. Now, I truly look forward to his insight and prayers, as I know they will be beneficial. Interestingly, as Josh is preparing for a job interview and other stuff, I love how he seeks me out wherever I am to see what I think or to bounce ideas off me. I don’t think I bring as much to the table, but what a joyous blessing that the Lord has tied us together for all our lives so we could help and support each other!
Anyway, maybe it’s all the quiet hours of nursing or the slower pace of life now that I can’t keep myself busy outside of children that is making me so reflective…whatever it is, I am thankful that the Lord hasn’t given up on me and is still quick to answer heartfelt, sometimes sobbed prayers of desperation. I really thought I’d have it all together the third time around, especially with an easy, sweet, incredibly wonderful baby. Maybe 3 is how many times it would take for the Lord to really get to me and show me how needy I really am….and to help me love the present and not just the future.
I love your honesty and transparency in revealing your thoughts and feelings. I think the Lord is the answer to all the questions you have about the children and your responses to them and their personalities. I pray for contentment in the season of life where you are. It is hard not to think how much easier it will be in a few months/years. Living in the present and enjoying every minute is the way I think the Lord wants us to operate. I know that I struggle with the same thing. I’m ready for school to be over, retirement to begin and for you to be back in the states. Instead I need to focus on each day and use the time the Lord has given me for his glory!
Thanks, Phyllis. I appreciate your thoughts- I, too, am ready for all those things!
Emily! Needed to hear that today–perhaps the Lord revealed all of this to you on #3 because he knew I’d be dealing with ALL these same thought patterns on our #2. Wow–you really hit home with me–appreciate your complete candidness! Love reading about your family–hope all is well with you guys!
Emmie, I too am blessed by your honesty and vulnerability. I think you have it right about God refining us through our circumstances. Interestingly, I feel like this is the lesson He is speaking into my life as well. I had heard a while back not to pray primarily for my circumstances to change in order to achieve some sense of peace and calm. Instead, the pastor challenged us to pray for our own hearts (or another’s) to trust the Lord, wait well, and respond well to whatever is happening. So grateful for these words of truth and for you saying them again. I definitely needed to hear them.
Love you so and wish I could see you and hang. Maybe watch DA together!!
Love that! Sounds like what I’ve been kinda going through the last couple of years, too. Once discipline really became more of a heart issue for Luke, I began looking at it like ok Lord, what are you trying to teach me about myself, who You are, etc as I’m disciplining my child? It really helped with my frustration level and ability to do it better…does that make sense? I still feel like I’m learning so much about my own sin through the boys. Good refining, just not fun
*sign* wish we could sit and talk over coffee!
PS: I love that you used the word vexing. It makes me happy and want to watch P&P right now!
Emily, thank you so much for sharing this! What beautiful and amazing work the Lord has done in you, I’m so very encouraged by your honesty of where you’ve been and where God is taking you.
I too struggle with comparing Archer and myself to others and feel this must be brokenness and separation from God in the garden for most women. I recently read this article that I thought had a great idea for dealing with the lies Satan tells us to separate us from God. I know you’re busy but maybe someday you can check it out.
http://pastormark.tv/2012/01/27/low-self-esteem-or-lies-from-the-enemy
Thanks again and many blessings to you in this time of reflection.
I will say that I’ve never cried so hard or laughed so hard being a parent. It’s definitely brought out the best in me and sadly, the worst. Our children are so incredibly resilient and love us unconditionally. I love when I go them to apologize for something I’ve said or done and they’ve already forgotten that it ever happened. Whew. Your words are so encouraging Emily.
What an encouraging post Emily! Thanks so much for your honesty and transparency. It’s just what I needed to hear tonight and the sprit knew that. Thank you for listening to his leading so I could as well! This resonates with me now with the “discipline stage” we are going through with Madison. I find myself feeling so frustrated with her and discouraged at times and I’m always praying for her to change(which of course her little heart does need to change), but I have neglected my own. And I know part of my frustration comes from the way we butt heads sometimes and I am not responding correctly and in the right spirit and that provokes her to more wrath so to speak. Anyways, this was a sweet, heartfelt honest post and I really appreciate it. I needed it!
ps – oh and I totally agree with you about the marriage part too- SO wonderful! I think I need to read that book though
Beautifully written and even more lovely lived out my friend! So thankful for you! Have you read 1000 gifts by Ann Voskamp yet? I REALLY think you would love it. She talks a lot about throwing yourself into the now and not just living for the future. She also counts thanks continually throughout the day and I truly have found it makes such a difference in my attitude! Praying for you!
It’s no wonder at all that God gave us the picture of our relationship with Him as a marriage over and over again, is it, Emily? But even after being married for 10 years, I still had no idea how selfish I was until I had children (I think that is significant, by the way…). I love 2Tim 3:15, which says that women will be saved through childbirth, which I have just found to be increasingly profound, and which is a huge part of my testimony that I’ll have to share with you some day… Love your comment about it taking 3 for you to see; how many times did Jesus ask Peter if he loved him? There’s something to that…:-)
Oops. 1 Tim 2:15
Beautifully written, Emily. It’s wonderful to hear what God is teaching you!! Thanks for sharing it with us, so that we can reap the benefits (& wisdom) as well!!
I am so thankful for the realness of moms/wives these days! It’s the toddler stage that sanctifies me!
Wow, great stuff, thank you for sharing! {I’m a bit speechless.}
Emily, I too loved your honesty and am delighted to know about how the Lord is working in your life! It’s amazing how you ministered to many of your friends with this post. You come by looking to the future honestly as I have struggled with that one myself – not with you and Billy as I didn’t want time to move forward there but with circumstances at times. I always love having something to look forward to. Thank you for sharing your heart and how God is working in you. With the time that we talk we tend to talk about family and real estate rather than how the Lord is working in our lives. I love you! Mom